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Helplessness


It's too sad.

You know, I always feel that we are similar in a few ways at least, I don't know if I'm wrong. I have held on to my ideals since I formed them before formal education. Perhaps I have massaged and reshaped some of them here and there, but I know I'll always be clinging, shoving my life in their direction as hard as possibly can. Even when things don't go my way.

Some things come to people automatically, I realise. I don't know why, and I only discover them much later, and there's always the resounding question: I did that too, why didn't it come to me?

There's no one who can answer me, and I don't ever think I'll find an answer to that. Maybe I don't want to know either. But seeing a number of others get it that easily just gets me frustrated, annoyed, scornful, and displeased.

I haven't been given an easy starting point. Almost everything was worked for. Truth be told, the more I live, the more I realise — there's no such thing as talent. There's only effort, which is basically time. The more time you put in to anything, the better your outcome.

But then there's luck and fortune, and they can be a bitch to you. They have complete power over you. They'll nullify all the effort you've put in, or they can force you to put in so much more just to achieve the same result as another. And all you can do is pray this doesn't happen.

How can one then stand up against this mocking titan? It comes from within. The dream, that even in the coldest circumstances, smoulders like embers within your heart, that keeps you going even though you've just been doused again and again for the umpteenth time from behind. The dream is your soul, they are one. For a person without one is aimless, and just existant; another mass that walks the planet, another object that adds to the figure in population count.

And to have that dream shattered, to see it, smell it, and possibly even taste it, only to have it whisked away from you and thrown down the chute. To rub salt, to discover that the path was a delusion all along...

I can barely imagine how it is. Like all that I have done so far have come down to naught. May I also say that, I have tried my best to keep abreast with the "alpinists". It's been a struggle, and I know how I got here. To see the flip side of the coin is literally heartbreaking. My vocabulary is severely lacking for me to carry on further.

I want to do something to help. I just don't know what...
I also wonder if you'll read this by any chance, but if you are, maybe you can find some comfort in knowing that someone out there empathises and sympathises with you, and is actually tearing as he types this.

"You must find a new one, to replace that which you have lost."

But I wonder if my words might even comfort. I'm on the other side, and it looks hypocritical.

God, I want to do something to help...

23:42 28 May 2012
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